I previously mentioned sheer exhaustion. Let me expand. I’ve experienced insomnia as much as the next person, having the occasional bouts when stressed/depressed/smoking too much crack. I’m sure I’ve complained about it to someone who has *real* insomnia who wanted to put their shoe up my cervix. Fuck. Me. Have my eyes been opened.
Unless I drink myself to passing out stage, I’m waking up at 4am every day. This extra waking 3 hours would normally would have been spent killing time & braincells watching rubbish like The Real Housewives of ButtfuckNowhere, but because I’m a jackass I got rid of my bedroom Foxtel 2 days into this project. So now I pass the time by thinking about all the things I’ve done or haven’t done that I regret and generally beating myself up. Playing that ‘What if’ game your mind bullies you with.
THIS
OR I’ll have something akin to a panic attack, but am pretty sure it wasn’t. To explain:
I’ve had a recurring dream since I was young that wasn’t exactly a nightmare, but wasn’t a one of neutral either (like sitting around eating stale BreadTop waiting for the tram). It wasn’t an enjoyable dream like that time Fox Mulder totally touched my boob, that was awesome. During this dream I’d experience this weird feeling that I was never able to properly identify, I just always had this infinite feeling of dread upon waking.
Now that I’ve experienced it awake I’m able to identify it. Best way to describe it that feeling you get when you step onto an escalator that isn’t moving. That split second of terror and vertigo because it feels like you’re going to tip over and smash your front teeth on the grated metal step? Rather than being momentary, it goes for a good 5 minutes, pinning me to the bed.
Once its over I feel like a rag doll made of lead. Never experienced it awake before, and it’s only happened a few times but jesus christ if there was ever a reason to quit quitting then this is it
OR I read. Been doing a lot of that, so I guess that’s a bonus..
January 6, 2012 at 4:11 pm
Either way, scary state of psychosis or not. I think you’re a champion for givin’ up the darts.
Keep at it you crazy-sleep-deprived-going-to-kill-someone-for-walking kid!
January 6, 2012 at 11:00 pm
Shall I duck into ur room and ask u 126 times if i’ll be okay tonight? No?
Sht luv, ur hardcore.
Surely reading some hardcore nuclear physics or something would help u doze? Or ur intl marketing economics text books? Tintin? Sweet valley high? There must be an antidote… My humour? That could work!